I had a choice to make. An important choice. A choice of imminent concern and immediate impact. Last Wed. Jan 8th at 10:44pm, 12 degrees outside, I chose to pee on the lawn.
Why? I’ll tell you. My son has many perfect traits and qualities that I am enamored/jealous of. A full head of hair, the ability the run full tilt into walls/doors/the oven/kitchen/couch arm and fall down without missing a beat, knowing how to wake up anyone/thing within a quarter mile earshot at 6:05 every frigging day – esp Sundays the one day we DON’T have to be somewhere. But his perfect hearing is one of those things that right now just totally sucks. He hears everything. Literally. And to be honest as bad ass as he is, he’s taken a pretty good shine to his mother, refusing to cooperate with anyone but Julie in the ritualistic dance of the nighttime holy hell (aka bedtime). So when he finally does go to sleep the entire house is on Oz style lockdown so as to not wake sleeping beauty/devil boy. Well everyone except Olivia – she just snores away in a land of Barbie dreams and thoughts of how to tell me I did something else wrong, again.
So I had to pee. Really badly. At almost 40 I dont have the same willpower and pee-straining stamina I once did. When it’s on it’s on – and it was on. Almost my leg. Lucas had been sleeping for 2 plus hours. Long enough to assume – wrongly – that he was fast asleep in little man dreamland, but also long enough that his nighttime nap could be ended at any time if he chose to. So my choice, one of the few I have left as a Man-Rent, was between chancing waking him up when I open the baby-gate that desperately needs some WD40 but at least I could take a leak like a grown man or tossing on a winter hat and some shoes and wandering out out in to the yard like some sort of cross between a homeless man and a lost mongrel mated with a seagull trying to find the right place to relieve myself.
If you know our house and our street you know that there are 1,398 cars going up and down the road for the 60 houses that are there. Finding a quiet place to piss – even at almost 11 pm – is not easy with neighbors 10 feet to the left on 1 side and a set of houses angled on a driveway looking down right into the yard on the other and cars always, always going by. I made my around the 3 cars in the driveway, walked to the side of the house, went back to the other side and finally settled in a nook between the neighbors house and our sunroom that is now a toy-closet. The deed was done. Only minimal leakage. Went back in and slept on the couch.
So if you ever see a shadow skulking around the house at 11pm someone is either robbing us or I am just out for my nightly wizz. Either way Lucas is asleep and for now that trumps everything else.